LIFE'S A NOT A BEACH...
I think I have written it before....if not i will write it sometime in the future. I had a hard time growing up, i can't claim I had a normal childhood. I was exposed to too much pain, too fast. I was scarred.
This has been part of my adulthood, my childhood. I think of myself as a very strong and resilient woman, and I have no doubt about that....but those scars, those scars bleed. Maybe more often that they should. Sometimes I feel like I can actually feel the blood trickling from them. They are still raw. On my best days, I can't feel them, I am care free and very happy. But on the bad days, they hurt, over and over again. My soul feels like it has been stabbed in so many places and locked in a very dark place. I hate such days.
All this has left me very sensitive, emotionally. There seems too be a well of tears in my eyes that never dry up. The simplest of things makes me break down involuntarily. It can be a hug, a family reunion, a happy couple, sad scenes, a crying baby, a story of how someone reconciled with their significant other.....just about everything.....damn it.
The worst part of it is that I am very aware of how people treat me. Every last sensation in me is alive. Whatever it is that can trigger a feeling, it does....and it is never on the surface, it is deep....so deep. I feel everything. I feel the love, the hate, the doubt, the pain, skepticism, sarcasm, jealous, joy......for some reason, i feel all this. I am able to feel a person's emotion by just looking at them. I am able to feel someone's attitude towards me by looking at them.
Growing up, I never allowed myself to look inside me and feel what i was feeling. I wore a mask. I think i was too afraid, because I knew that allowing myself to see what was going on inside of me would leave me exposed and vulnerable. I didn't want to be that exposed. As time went by, the tides changed. Life happened. Lemons were relentlessly thrown my way and at some point, i had to stop, because i needed me. But me was not available, she was inside cowing from the world, from the hurt, from the pain. Slowly, I exposed myself, bit by bit. I started expressing myself more. I started saying how i was feeling. I talked about it to my loved ones. It was so liberating.....but it was like a Pandora box....once i started.....i couldn't stop.
My emotions scare me at times, they are like the ocean. Calm at times and then raging the next. I never know when or what triggers them. Sometimes they are like a separate entity, they are there and I am over here wondering how the hell that happened/is happening.
They have allowed me to live, for we live by feeling. I like that part about the rawness. The ability to feel moments and savor them. Am I happy for feeling so exposed? Certainly not, but i don't live a lie, and that is so relieving. I can look deep inside me and not flinch. I have come to terms with my past and I think i am ready for the future. I am a survivor....and i am proud of it.
This has been part of my adulthood, my childhood. I think of myself as a very strong and resilient woman, and I have no doubt about that....but those scars, those scars bleed. Maybe more often that they should. Sometimes I feel like I can actually feel the blood trickling from them. They are still raw. On my best days, I can't feel them, I am care free and very happy. But on the bad days, they hurt, over and over again. My soul feels like it has been stabbed in so many places and locked in a very dark place. I hate such days.
All this has left me very sensitive, emotionally. There seems too be a well of tears in my eyes that never dry up. The simplest of things makes me break down involuntarily. It can be a hug, a family reunion, a happy couple, sad scenes, a crying baby, a story of how someone reconciled with their significant other.....just about everything.....damn it.
The worst part of it is that I am very aware of how people treat me. Every last sensation in me is alive. Whatever it is that can trigger a feeling, it does....and it is never on the surface, it is deep....so deep. I feel everything. I feel the love, the hate, the doubt, the pain, skepticism, sarcasm, jealous, joy......for some reason, i feel all this. I am able to feel a person's emotion by just looking at them. I am able to feel someone's attitude towards me by looking at them.
Growing up, I never allowed myself to look inside me and feel what i was feeling. I wore a mask. I think i was too afraid, because I knew that allowing myself to see what was going on inside of me would leave me exposed and vulnerable. I didn't want to be that exposed. As time went by, the tides changed. Life happened. Lemons were relentlessly thrown my way and at some point, i had to stop, because i needed me. But me was not available, she was inside cowing from the world, from the hurt, from the pain. Slowly, I exposed myself, bit by bit. I started expressing myself more. I started saying how i was feeling. I talked about it to my loved ones. It was so liberating.....but it was like a Pandora box....once i started.....i couldn't stop.
My emotions scare me at times, they are like the ocean. Calm at times and then raging the next. I never know when or what triggers them. Sometimes they are like a separate entity, they are there and I am over here wondering how the hell that happened/is happening.
They have allowed me to live, for we live by feeling. I like that part about the rawness. The ability to feel moments and savor them. Am I happy for feeling so exposed? Certainly not, but i don't live a lie, and that is so relieving. I can look deep inside me and not flinch. I have come to terms with my past and I think i am ready for the future. I am a survivor....and i am proud of it.
Comments
Post a Comment