...I am Back
Last week, a day like today, i was an ugly mess; emotionally, psychologically, physically and socially.....I was all that, at the same time! Needless to say, I was totally unapproachable, and my mood swings were worse than that of a teenager at their peek. I was experiencing strong emotions that i never thought i could exude at any given time.
Explanation: I broke up with my boyfriend.
I like to think myself as the composed, independent, emotionally stable, logical and strong woman. I like to think that I am in control of my own life and that no one, whatsoever can shake the foundations of my existence. I console myself every other day that I can do it, I will make it in life without the intervention of anyone. Well, that has not changed and it will not change any time soon. The fact is that I never ever thought one single person could have such a profound effect on my life!
Let's go back to my mess.....i said emotional, psychological, physical and social. Emotional and psychological messes owed to the conflicting feelings that shot back and forth from my head to my heart....yes my heart. The social mess came about because I just coudn't stand the thought of seeing others happy and in stable relationships. Does that sound weird? I hope not. Do you ever realize that when you are wallowing in misery, everyone else seems so happy?? .....and somehow you feel like they are rubbing it on your face?
That is the situation I found myself into. For a while I just wanted to sleep and not wake up any time soon. Food lost its taste and my bed became a nightmare; i would spend hours on end tossing and turning, my eyes heavy with sleep but somehow I could not bring myself to fall asleep. When I did, it was short and troubled, I woke up feeling very tired and without any energy to face the day. My stress somehow found its way to my skin. I started having these crazy break outs.....not only was I single, but becoming unpretty as well....that was what i was thinking to myself.
I am not a very concerned person when it comes to physical attraction, I am deeper than the outside look. I would rather have character than beauty.....that applies to men I date and friends I have. I never pacic over pimples, I am not a drama queen, but last week, I became all that.
Something happened to me this week, and instead of focussing on my miserable past, I somehow started focussing on my future. The year is coming to an end, what do i want for myself in the coming year? Where do I want to be next year a time like now? How do I want my life to change and how do I bring about the changes? I also realized that next year, I will be finishing college. What do I want after that?
I have so many questions, that really matter and that I do not have ready answers for!!!
And out of the window went my last week's concerns. Suddenly i realized that that was just a tiny little phase in my life and that I had to move on. I took my diary and wrote down all the things that need to be done next year. I wrote down all the things I had promised myself that I would have accomplished by my age and I haven't......i decided to try and start working on them.....they are so many! I also became a little excited at the prospect of new things and new ideas....I am still not sure why it is all exciting...but i know that, when i was in the relationship, my life was somehow inclined in a certain angle because 'we' had plans and they had to follow through. Most of my plans revolved around 'our plans'. So now I have the freedom to have plans without considering 'other plans'. I think that is why it is all so special.
I am still drawing my plan, one thing though, i have lots and lots to do. I have some college goals i need to accomplish, i need some very personal goals accomplished, i need some serious work done in my workplace, i have some obligations to fulfill to my friends and family......I need some TLC for myself, i need to really take good care of myself, I am making the foundations to a sexier me in my 40's. ;)
With all these, now i know why it did not work out. Relationships are about compromise, selflessness and sacrifice. We are all individuals sailing in a massive sea, each with their own boat. Sometimes during the sail, we meet people who we like and we get along together. Building a lasting relationship means her abandoning her boat for his or him abandoning his boat for hers or both abandoning their boats for a strange boat but big enough for both of them or nothing at all. When you decide to sail side by side, things happen. Strong tides will blow you apart, strange boats will sail between you totally cutting out your contact........you will disagree on which route to take.....and since you are in different boats, when the pressure gets too much you have the liberty to sail away and leave the other one behind. That is where the breakups come in. No one compromised, no one sacrificed.
There is need for self fulfillment before one decides to share their lives with someone else. This is important as it means when you decide to join the other one in their boat, there will be no cause to look behind or around you. There will be no regrets and what if's. Until you reach that fulfillment, trying to build a relationship will be very frustrating. You tend to blame each other for the void that you feel, there is the feeling that the other person is responsible for your underachievements, sometimes you start to look for ways out when you are in too deep....that is why divorces are rampant and the rate continues to increase everyday. People get into relationshipd less prepared for them and get overwhelmed when they realize just how much involving it is. So, think it over, before giving it a try......it is not a ride in the park!
Pff.....i am not an expert, i have just been thinking over the last few days....and that is my two cents!!
Explanation: I broke up with my boyfriend.
I like to think myself as the composed, independent, emotionally stable, logical and strong woman. I like to think that I am in control of my own life and that no one, whatsoever can shake the foundations of my existence. I console myself every other day that I can do it, I will make it in life without the intervention of anyone. Well, that has not changed and it will not change any time soon. The fact is that I never ever thought one single person could have such a profound effect on my life!
Let's go back to my mess.....i said emotional, psychological, physical and social. Emotional and psychological messes owed to the conflicting feelings that shot back and forth from my head to my heart....yes my heart. The social mess came about because I just coudn't stand the thought of seeing others happy and in stable relationships. Does that sound weird? I hope not. Do you ever realize that when you are wallowing in misery, everyone else seems so happy?? .....and somehow you feel like they are rubbing it on your face?
That is the situation I found myself into. For a while I just wanted to sleep and not wake up any time soon. Food lost its taste and my bed became a nightmare; i would spend hours on end tossing and turning, my eyes heavy with sleep but somehow I could not bring myself to fall asleep. When I did, it was short and troubled, I woke up feeling very tired and without any energy to face the day. My stress somehow found its way to my skin. I started having these crazy break outs.....not only was I single, but becoming unpretty as well....that was what i was thinking to myself.
I am not a very concerned person when it comes to physical attraction, I am deeper than the outside look. I would rather have character than beauty.....that applies to men I date and friends I have. I never pacic over pimples, I am not a drama queen, but last week, I became all that.
Something happened to me this week, and instead of focussing on my miserable past, I somehow started focussing on my future. The year is coming to an end, what do i want for myself in the coming year? Where do I want to be next year a time like now? How do I want my life to change and how do I bring about the changes? I also realized that next year, I will be finishing college. What do I want after that?
I have so many questions, that really matter and that I do not have ready answers for!!!
And out of the window went my last week's concerns. Suddenly i realized that that was just a tiny little phase in my life and that I had to move on. I took my diary and wrote down all the things that need to be done next year. I wrote down all the things I had promised myself that I would have accomplished by my age and I haven't......i decided to try and start working on them.....they are so many! I also became a little excited at the prospect of new things and new ideas....I am still not sure why it is all exciting...but i know that, when i was in the relationship, my life was somehow inclined in a certain angle because 'we' had plans and they had to follow through. Most of my plans revolved around 'our plans'. So now I have the freedom to have plans without considering 'other plans'. I think that is why it is all so special.
I am still drawing my plan, one thing though, i have lots and lots to do. I have some college goals i need to accomplish, i need some very personal goals accomplished, i need some serious work done in my workplace, i have some obligations to fulfill to my friends and family......I need some TLC for myself, i need to really take good care of myself, I am making the foundations to a sexier me in my 40's. ;)
With all these, now i know why it did not work out. Relationships are about compromise, selflessness and sacrifice. We are all individuals sailing in a massive sea, each with their own boat. Sometimes during the sail, we meet people who we like and we get along together. Building a lasting relationship means her abandoning her boat for his or him abandoning his boat for hers or both abandoning their boats for a strange boat but big enough for both of them or nothing at all. When you decide to sail side by side, things happen. Strong tides will blow you apart, strange boats will sail between you totally cutting out your contact........you will disagree on which route to take.....and since you are in different boats, when the pressure gets too much you have the liberty to sail away and leave the other one behind. That is where the breakups come in. No one compromised, no one sacrificed.
There is need for self fulfillment before one decides to share their lives with someone else. This is important as it means when you decide to join the other one in their boat, there will be no cause to look behind or around you. There will be no regrets and what if's. Until you reach that fulfillment, trying to build a relationship will be very frustrating. You tend to blame each other for the void that you feel, there is the feeling that the other person is responsible for your underachievements, sometimes you start to look for ways out when you are in too deep....that is why divorces are rampant and the rate continues to increase everyday. People get into relationshipd less prepared for them and get overwhelmed when they realize just how much involving it is. So, think it over, before giving it a try......it is not a ride in the park!
Pff.....i am not an expert, i have just been thinking over the last few days....and that is my two cents!!
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